Sunday, February 23, 2014

When something is missing in your heart.... Or at least you think it's Missing...

Scanning through Facebook the other day and I noticed the amount of posts geared towards gaining attention. Now before I go any further into this blog entry I want to share with the readers that I am not in judgement and these are things that I am pondering for myself as well.

This is the Golden Rule everyone.. What we see or point out in others is our opportunity to take this reflection and look back within ourselves. So as I see things in others I in turn take the time to look at myself. It's just my way of holding myself accountable and even more so it's my amazing opportunity to help myself grow.

Back to Facebook.. Just the next time you get a chance to look at your social media accounts. Not just your Facebook but your YouTube , Twitter etc... Whatever it is you are on I want you to take your time to take a look at what people are saying.  Take this opportunity to pay attention to your "REACTIONS" how does a post make you feel? Does it make you want to jump out and tell this person off? Does it make you want to argue with them, convince them they are wrong!? Does it make you happy, sad, depressed, joyful etc... The truth is my friends we create our stories down here.. so the question you have to ask yourself is what story do you want to play? One that is true to you and makes you happy? or one full of depression, resistance and sadness? It's truly up to you!

The part most of us do not understand is we truly do have a choice on how we respond to everything!

Within all things you do there is always a "CHOICE"  you have before you respond to "STIMULUS",

So what is stimulus? It is whatever brings an emotional response within you. Most of us who teach classes or study self awareness, usually focus on what is causing us difficulty,

Stimulus is also anything triggering pleasurable feelings, joy, happiness, laughter etc...

Primarily we focus on difficulty, Fear and conflict because these are the things we want to try to get rid of... This is primarily why I have made it my life work to face the things causing discomfort in my life and face them head on!

Severl people in my experience want to avoid or shield themselves from what they consider to be "NEGATIVE" energy. This is a form of avoidance... Because if we go back to our golden rule then what we "JUDGE" in another is what we do not want to see in ourselves. However, let's go on a step further... Something i've learned over the last year. Yes all things are our mirrors and if it bothers you or causes a reaction of Fear, conflict or difficulty then it is something we need to take a look at until it no longer causes a reaction within you... After you have done this and you can feel no more "Triggers" then you can move on. If you still have triggers then the universe will continue to bring you the lesson over and over and over again! It's not something we can truly avoid unless we want to stay stagnant in our lives.

So as life happens we have "STIMULUS" and then we have a Proactive "CHOICE" to make before we act... making a "CHOICE" do not mean we just choose to not respond.. it just means we make a "MINDFUL" Response/ one that is in the flow with our soul..

As we practice making a "CHOICE" instead of being enslaved in our emotional responses then we can start to create a "FREEDOM" within ourselves that will change not only ourselves on the "MICRO" but we can also change ourselves on the "MACRO" ... since we are all ONE then we can change our frequency from strife, stress and unawareness to Love, compassion and understanding.. we can then seek to understand before we are understood. This is greatly because we understand ourselves on a greater level. When we understand ourselves we know that when we focus to understand others and understand what they are going through, it will in turn allow us to understand ourselves on a much deeper level. 

Here is the truth and it's a hard one.. the less "REACTIVE" you are the more your sphere of influence expands or get's greater! So basically the "LESS" you try to control the more freedom and control you gain. Now think about this for a second. Think about life and when you are trying to control a situation. It may be trying to get someone to see your point of view. It could be a parent, child, love, family member of friend... in your mind they are not hearing you at all and the more and more you talk to them about it, the more and more they shut down. You get progressively more upset and allow yourself to yell at this individual. Nothing seems to work except that both of you are getting hurt feelings, and more angry at each other. 

What do you think is happening? Well for starters these are two people in their emotions. Fueling their emotions but never once looking at their emotions. No one is making a "CHOICE" in this matter... no one is acting with "free will" even though both parties are struggling for "CONTROL" so they can give themselves the illusion of of being "FREE" each one thinks they are fighting for their own freedom and on some level both are trying to control the other (there are different forms of control) **Please see control dramas below**

Whether it be a passive form of control or an aggressive form of control each of us is trying to control at some level. We are all in our story so to speak.. the only way to change these controls within us is to be "SELF AWARE" when we practice being self aware and facing what we feel we lack control in then we can begin to allow others to be who they are and know that they are on their own path. This is where the term: "let go and let God" comes into play.. the basic energy behind this statement is saying.. Just "LET GO" and allow yourself to go into the flow of life instead of trying to control life.. true freedom comes from when you realize you cannot control anything or anyone but when you allow yourself to flow.. you then in turn allow yourself to expand your sphere of influence:

As you can see the proactive making a "CHOICE" focus allows for us to understand more, be open to more and allows other to relate to us more. When we are in a reactive focus we lose sight of the infinite possibilities. We fall into our emotions and in turn are rules by our emotions. It is time for all of us to embrace who we are and be grateful for who we are... we truly are amazing beings and we are greater then what we think we are.. but there is a sickness that is within us that we can change by making a choice.. we can transmute what other would consider to be the "BEAST" within us by working to understand it, love and be at one with it... 

It's time! 

Control Dramas - talked about also in this article: Click Here

Passive Control Dramas:

Poor Me: The "poor me" is a passive-aggressive and the most secretly manipulative of the four styles. This person will portray a false sense of being a victim in order to appeal to another person's compassion, guilt or obligation through the manipulation of their sympathies.

This person causes disharmony by creating feelings of guilt and obligation, or need to appease or conform the person to their desires and beliefs.

Mechanisms of this drams include: procrastination, forgetfulness, stubbornness, lying, dramatizing, sulking and intentional inefficiency. These individuals consistently externalize blame onto others. They have great difficulty taking responsiblity for their actions without becoming agrumentative or more manipulative. Despite a false presentation of assertiveness and self-confidence, these individuals are very envious of others, resentful of their peers and partners and their self-confidence if extremely poor.

How to diffuse:

Angry confrontation is ineffective as it just perpetuates the victimization and facade by giving the "poor me" and their supporters more to justify and fuel to re-enforce the drama.

The best response is to avoid being thrown off balance by their ploys and avoid buying into their guilt. keep a sense of perspective and emotional distance while maintaining priorities and boundaries. Confront their games and have a clearly stated firm position. Evaluate the real extent, need or desire that is behind their manipulation and only give the appropriate amount of compassion.

Aloof: The "Aloof" is just a less passive and manipulative than the "poor me", but more secretive. The "aloof" approach is to create a vagueness and facade around themselves, forcing an undeserved investment of energy to gain information, commitment and emotion which should normally be shared in a straight-up, direct-way.

Essentially, they are "high maintenance" causing the other person to work hard at breaking through their facade in order to identify their true needs and desires.

By their indirectness, their tact, and their facade, they appeal to us but as we try to develop an intimate or collaborative relationship, they retract, become distant and unapproachable. They do this because they are afraid that their inner secrets, fears, inadequacies or machinations may be exposed.

How to Diffuse: These are individuals who are wounded by a perceived betrayal of their expectations. They believe that essentially no one can be trusted fully. After having exchanged trust and intimacy with someone, they may suddenly turn against that very person they were getting close to. The most effective way to deal with this style is by avoiding the defensive behaviors. Indulging their behaviors will only fuel their anxieties, fears and mistrust. The key is to call the individual on their behavior and underlying fears. Typically, the individual will either admit to the observations or they will take the extreme step of severing the relationship.

Aggressive Control Dramas:

Interrogator: More aggressive but less manipulative than the two passive-secretive types, the "interrogator" uses this style of drams by evaluating and asking questions with the specific purpose of finding something wrong or corrupt.

If they find something, they can evoke a sense of conscious in a person that confuses and criticizes their intent, position or commitment. If this strategy succeeds then the individual being criticized is pulled into the drama which will never resolve in their favor.

The trap lies in the individual feeling consistently judged by the "interrogator" and paying attention to what the "Interrogator" may be thinking and feeling about them.

How to Diffuse: Don't be drawn into a never ending cycle of accusations and explanations with the "interrogator." This is a tactic meant to perpetuate confusion and uncertainty. Avoid defensive behaviors like cowering back and giving in; recognize that the questioning is a set-up to prove their fears or perceptions. Confront the reasoning or intent behind the questioning. The "interrogator" will then likely re-frame the questioning in a way that is more genuine to what he or she really needs to know. Don't surrender to anger or frustration. The key is to be patient, moderate and confidently firm about your integrity and character.

Intimidator: "Intimidators" are the most aggressive of the four types. Their presence is well stated and felt and there is a threatening air of danger conveyed from them. They are unpredictable and can threaten, use harsh words and abusive actions uncontrollably. They will demonstrate a capacity for rage or violence.

They also attack self-esteem by creating unwarranted guilt, a sense of worthlessness, a feeling of incompetence, and of course fear. Often the "Intimidator" will also express threats of publicly and boast illustrations of how they dealt with or destroyed others in the past.

How to Diffuse:

"Intimidators" often attack when others are least able or unwilling to confront them. The best response for dealing with them is to 1) name the game, 2) consider whether the accusations are right and correct and 3) refuse to be knocked off balance. Where possible, create distance from the individual to minimize control but stay close enough to know what he or she is doing. When the "intimidator" recognizes that the tactics can't overcome resolution of haven't invoked fear, the individual may get uglier and plan a more dramatic move. Patience, control and persistence will eventually outlast the "intimidator"

Codependency I can tell you is a Hell to live in.. it's not fun.. it's actually very exhausting.. but through self awareness you can begin to transmute your understanding and really start tuning yourself into a higher consciousness.

I will leave you with this very beautiful prayer...

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