We understand this type because we have been there...We have been Codependent, abusive, a victim, angry and many other things that we want to see in other and not see in ourselves. Yes we have even acted crazy, insane and irrational!
Coming up on 8 years ago I realized I was a massive co-dependent; Not fully understanding what that term meant and having a big time issue with even understanding who I was, I embarked on a journey to finding completion in my life and wholeness.. Now even though this journey is a lifelong journey I want to explain to you the PAINS of being a co-dependant and what codependency truly is...
The Definition is:
"Codependency is defined as a psychological condition or relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typically narcissism or drug addiction.); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involved placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship and also romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent."
Taken from: Codependents
I want to take us even deeper though my friends because to just read a definition does not take us to new levels. What I would like to start with is this... Our mirrors the world as it reflects back to us I take us to the first step of CODA Codependents Anonymous:
Taken from: CODA 12 STEPS
1. We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Our mirror on this going on in our inner world is: "I feel a lack of control in my life... as I try to control others, I have in turn made my life uncontrollable by not paying close attention to my life and what is going on inside of me.
- There is another good point here... Codependents, look to their outside world for happiness, validation, they form their opinions like most of us on what others think of them and what people say to them. They measure and their self esteem based on others measurements or evaluations systems.
- So the real control they are doing as they try to control others is they miss the mark on not looking deep within themselves to find a clear understanding of what is going on. So who are they really controlling? You got it! themselves... they are controlling themselves on so many levels and what are they controlling? Their ability to see what their blocks are in order to heal and open their lives up for more joy then they can imagine.
- I have difficulty identifying what I feel
- I minimize alter of deny how I truly feel
- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others
Low Self - Esteem Patterns:
- I have difficulty making decisions.
- I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough"
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
- I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
- I do not perceive myself as lovable or worthwhile person.
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
- I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
- I value others' opinions and feelings more then my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
- I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
- I accept sex when I want love.
- I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
- I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
- I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
- I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
- I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
- I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
- I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Taken from: Co Dependent Patterns
In addition as we talk about Codependency and the need to be needed and or to control. It's important for us to talk about how to recognize the forms of control..These forms of control we will explain through the Control Dramas... Now.. remember it's the mirror.. as we understand ourselves better we begin to understand others. This process of using our mirrors helps us evolve consciousness within us and around us, above us and below us... What we are striving for is a synergy amongst us as souls or as some would say an interdependent relationship with the "WHOLE" of all of us... since we are all "ONE"
What is interdependence?
Taken from: Interdependence
Interdependence is a relationship in which each member is mutually dependent on the others. This concept differs from a dependence relationship, where some members are dependent and some are not.
In an interdependent relationship, participants may be emotionally, economically, ecologically and/or morally reliant on and responsible to each other. An interdependent relationship can arise between two or more cooperative autonomous participants.
Once we end Co-Dependency through Love, Compassion and understanding of ourselves and by default we understand each other.. we will begin to harmonize the planet and consciousness and end our duality, separation amongst and realize that a synergy within us will be contagious to go out around us... Our separation will end and our interdependence will begin to unfold.
Use these tools below to understand who you are and process who you are through your mirrors not to use in order to judge others. :)
Tactics of Manipulation
Taken from: Four Styles of Control Dramas
Everyone has a natural tendency to relay on a form of control in their dealings with others. It's within our nature to have these styles and feel inclined to use them in response to real or perceived threats.
The ugliness of this mechanism becomes clear when the self-preservation stops being the motivation and desire to shape another person's personal progress, compromise their free will or guarantee a desired outcome, becomes underlying reason for these manipulations.
There are three levels of personal Control Dramas:
These individuals are aware of their natural style and inclination to control, but instead make a conscious effort to use alternative ways to communicate their needs and desires in a way that supports a healthier interest for those concerned.
These individuals employ control dramas and genuinely don't realize they are victimizing another person by doing so. There is no ill intent here as these individuals come by their styles naturally and unconsciously but may still be considered harmful or dangerous.
These individuals pose the greatest risk to those they interact with. They have an awareness of their actions but have little regard for the implications. They will rely on a combination of the following styles and tactics to manipulate and control people and situations.
Passive Control Dramas:
Poor Me: The "poor me" is a passive-aggressive and the most secretly manipulative of the four styles. This person will portray a false sense of being a victim in order to appeal to another person's compassion, guilt or obligation through the manipulation of their sympathies.
This person causes disharmony by creating feelings of guilt and obligation, or need to appease or conform the person to their desires and beliefs.
Mechanisms of this drams include: procrastination, forgetfulness, stubbornness, lying, dramatizing, sulking and intentional inefficiency. These individuals consistently externalize blame onto others. They have great difficulty taking responsiblity for their actions without becoming agrumentative or more manipulative. Despite a false presentation of assertiveness and self-confidence, these individuals are very envious of others, resentful of their peers and partners and their self-confidence if extremely poor.
How to diffuse:
Angry confrontation is ineffective as it just perpetuates the victimization and facade by giving the "poor me" and their supporters more to justify and fuel to re-enforce the drama.
The best response is to avoid being thrown off balance by their ploys and avoid buying into their guilt. keep a sense of perspective and emotional distance while maintaining priorities and boundaries. Confront their games and have a clearly stated firm position. Evaluate the real extent, need or desire that is behind their manipulation and only give the appropriate amount of compassion.
Aloof: The "Aloof" is just a less passive and manipulative than the "poor me", but more secretive. The "aloof" approach is to create a vagueness and facade around themselves, forcing an undeserved investment of energy to gain information, commitment and emotion which should normally be shared in a straight-up, direct-way.
Essentially, they are "high maintenance" causing the other person to work hard at breaking through their facade in order to identify their true needs and desires.
By their indirectness, their tact, and their facade, they appeal to us but as we try to develop an intimate or collaborative relationship, they retract, become distant and unapproachable. They do this because they are afraid that their inner secrets, fears, inadequacies or machinations may be exposed.
How to Diffuse: These are individuals who are wounded by a perceived betrayal of their expectations. They believe that essentially no one can be trusted fully. After having exchanged trust and intimacy with someone, they may suddenly turn against that very person they were getting close to. The most effective way to deal with this style is by avoiding the defensive behaviors. Indulging their behaviors will only fuel their anxieties, fears and mistrust. The key is to call the individual on their behavior and underlying fears. Typically, the individual will either admit to the observations or they will take the extreme step of severing the relationship.
Aggressive Control Dramas:
Interrogator: More aggressive but less manipulative than the two passive-secretive types, the "interrogator" uses this style of drams by evaluating and asking questions with the specific purpose of finding something wrong or corrupt.
If they find something, they can evoke a sense of conscious in a person that confuses and criticizes their intent, position or commitment. If this strategy succeeds then the individual being criticized is pulled into the drama which will never resolve in their favor.
The trap lies in the individual feeling consistently judged by the "interrogator" and paying attention to what the "Interrogator" may be thinking and feeling about them.
How to Diffuse: Don't be drawn into a never ending cycle of accusations and explanations with the "interrogator." This is a tactic meant to perpetuate confusion and uncertainty. Avoid defensive behaviors like cowering back and giving in; recognize that the questioning is a set-up to prove their fears or perceptions. Confront the reasoning or intent behind the questioning. The "interrogator" will then likely re-frame the questioning in a way that is more genuine to what he or she really needs to know. Don't surrender to anger or frustration. The key is to be patient, moderate and confidently firm about your integrity and character.
Intimidator: "Intimidators" are the most aggressive of the four types. Their presence is well stated and felt and there is a threatening air of danger conveyed from them. They are unpredictable and can threaten, use harsh words and abusive actions uncontrollably. They will demonstrate a capacity for rage or violence.
They also attack self-esteem by creating unwarranted guilt, a sense of worthlessness, a feeling of incompetence, and of course fear. Often the "Intimidator" will also express threats of publicly and boast illustrations of how they dealt with or destroyed others in the past.
How to Diffuse:
"Intimidators" often attack when others are least able or unwilling to confront them. The best response for dealing with them is to 1) name the game, 2) consider whether the accusations are right and correct and 3) refuse to be knocked off balance. Where possible, create distance from the individual to minimize control but stay close enough to know what he or she is doing. When the "intimidator" recognizes that the tactics can't overcome resolution of haven't invoked fear, the individual may get uglier and plan a more dramatic move. Patience, control and persistence will eventually outlast the "intimidator"
Codependency I can tell you is a Hell to live in.. it's not fun.. it's actually very exhausting.. but through self awareness you can begin to transmute your understanding and really start tuning yourself into a higher consciousness.
I will leave you with this very beautiful prayer...
Ho'oponopono (ho-o-pono-pono) is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness. Similar forgiveness practices were performed on islands throughout the South Pacific, including Samoa, Tahiti and New Zealand. Traditionally ho'oponopono is practiced by healing priest or kahuna lapa'au among family members of a person who is physically ill. Modern versions are performed within the family by a family elder, or by the individual alone.
Anytime, you are upset, or have left over baggage you are holding onto use this prayer over and over again in your mind visualizing what you are looking to reconcile, give or receive forgiveness for and or let go of...
"I'm Sorry, Please Forgive me, Thank you, I love you..."
Take some times.. Understand who you are love yourself and tell yourself that you love yourself.. do a self assessment of yourself so you can gain a greater understanding of yourself.
We can't understand the crazy in others but we can use it to understand ourselves on a deeper level. We don't have to go to Hell with them as far as experiencing their emotions but we can gain clarity for ourselves and understand we do not need to get involved with their pain.
We can addition have compassion for them and what they are experiencing without being involved with what they are experiencing.
Happy Journey everyone!